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Since it’s that season, Dano, Patrick & I all moseyed on down to the ice cream stand one recent Friday evening. We arrived and there were families, a demographic with whom I have little interaction, so it’s always a little weird as I have not been routinely around children since, say, I was a child.

As we waited in line, a toddler was playing with a toy ambulance that zipped along and made this awful tinny shrieky ambulance noise. And his parents, god bless them, were so patient, letting him make his way from the window to the picnic tables, one foot at a time, one shrieky noise at a time. And I laughed at each irritating step of the way, not because it was endearing, but rather, if I failed to put the situation in the space of bemused tachment, I might have slapped that goddamn thing out of his fucking hand.

After procuring a sundae and a bench upon which to enjoy it, I continued judging local families like the asshole I truly am. Some kids showed up and began jumping off of this rough 4′ cement wall, which is no skin off my back, except these terribly negative Mom Ideas kept popping into my head. Like “that kid is totally going to slam the front of his teeth into that wall,” “that girl is going to jump on top of that other girl’s ice cream cup, breaking her hand in the process, and there will be a *Scene*,” and “we should probably get the hell out of here before the traffic picks up, i.e. an ambulance is blocking the exit.” These appraisals were hardly from a caring place, oh no, to the contrary, they had more to do with the annoyance that any one of these tragedies might cause for myself and my party, which makes me a bad person, but whatever, I never claimed to be otherwise. Meanwhile, Shrieky Ambulance Kid is about 20 yards away ignoring his ice cream and inducing awkwardly manic giggling through clenched teeth on my part.

I would have been concerned about parents noticing my obviously shitty attitude toward these kids, except that some hipster rolled in wearing a shirt that said something with the word FUCK in it, so they were all busy gasping and pointing it out to their significant others rather than watching their own kids.

wwwWWWWWAAAAAAaaaaahhhhh*Shrieky Ambulance*wwwWWWWWAAAAAAaaaaahhhhh
heheheomfgI’mgonnakillthatfuckinkidahahhahahahaha

Just keeping you in the moment, there.

Upon the visit’s conclusion, I pulled out of the parking lot and noticed a guy sitting in a gold Corvette who I can only assume is a pedo because a) he drives a gold Corvette, b) he was eating his ice cream cone alone in his car, but most importantly c) he craned his neck to watch a van full of children being trucked off to the next amusement, licking his ice cream (presumably) longingly as they departed. Alternately, I suppose he could really be regretting how his mullet has held him back from having someone to make children with all these years, or stalking his ex and the son he has no legal rights to see, but the gold Corvette makes a strong statement in favor of my original evaluation.

And that, right there, was the icing on the cake, that cake being “If, for whatever reason, we are unable to have children, I’m pretty sure I can live with that with minimal irritation.” At least that way I won’t be tempted to actively destroy the psyche of some progeny who just wants to play while waiting for his ice cream. And as a bonus, I will never have to worry about pedophiles fucking with my chi.

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  1. Matt Said,

    It’s good to know your limitations.

  2. alexis Said,

    you are crazy and i love it! i love your food posts and your photos but my god girl, your writing has me rolling and i actually like kids! you need to write more. love it love it.

  3. Sandy Said,

    I am a mother of 2 kids. I usually dont comment much online except maybe a cooking site I frequent but I felt the need to here. You are hilarious! I loved it! I agree you should write more! I did not like kids until I had them so this reminded me of how I used to feel.

  4. choperena Said,

    Spawn. Most people that do, really shouldn’t. You clearly have more patience than I do, since I would have left the ice cream parlor in the middle of ordering my sprinkles, had that kid screeched in.

  5. Sarah Said,

    I, like Sandy, did not like kids until I had one and whattaya know? I still don’t!

  6. Tara Said,

    Sarah, is this still other peoples kids or your own?! :)

  7. Susan Said,

    Well, my mom said I should have been a teacher. I always have and still do say “I do not like other people’s children. I like my own, those little souls I can make them do what I want. Other people’s children I can’t.” You don’t have to like children to have them. If you do have your own someday, you will like and love the ones you get.

  8. anna Said,

    Hehe…I’ve been there. Let it be said that Anna is not child-friendly. I consider any child I DO genuinely like to be Very Very Special.

  9. Mary Said,

    I wish I could control my facial expressions when presented with children who are not minded by their parents…of course my BF loves it, it’s the best free entertainment to watch my reactions to the wee ones about to bite it and the look I get as I scan the possible parents…and it must be like laser siting as the guilty party ALWAYS meets my eyes and (I’ve never seen it myself, but I was a teacher once, and have made children cry), they actually do something about their errant/about to be killed child.

    It’s like I’m mentally minding them…which might say more about me and my megalomaniacal powers…

    So, what have you made recently? Any good recipes? (slinks away)

  10. BelovedAimee Said,

    I would have snatched the toy out of his effing hand too…..and I have three kids. :)

  11. Renate Bergman Said,

    Err… Aleta… I feel like I know you, somehow … There is a reason why it took me 10 years to have a child… and you described my attitude very well. Rest assured, some of the screamiest, whiniest, most obnoxious children grow up to be pretty neat adults – you might even grow to love them. However, I have no patience for parents who do not watch their kids, or let them run wild and annoy everyone around them. Children are by nature snot-nosed, eardrum-piercing, ego-maniacal rugrats who can drive you to drink – or something stronger – if you let them get the upper hand. But I didn’t, although it was at times incredibly difficult to stay the course. That being said, my son – who is now 29 – is about to get married to a perfectly charming young woman who would never, ever say a foul word about anyone, let alone their adorable progeny. I know and love his fiance with all my heart, and I am very sure that when/if the time comes and they start their own family, she, also, will love her snot-nosed rugrat – and will eventually even be able to say is was all worth it.

  12. Apollo Said,

    I prefer to make milkshakes at home on hot, sunny days. Then I add booze. Then who gives a shit about the kids, really?

  13. Kai Said,

    Hilarious and it really drives the point home. Most parents lately, and I use the term parent lightly because it doesn’t mean the same today as it did twenty years or more ago, are too lazy to properly train their children how to behave in public. Yes, I said train. hehe It sounds demeaning, but it really is like obedience school for a pet and it works. If more ‘parents’ took the time to give their children repercussions for their actions, and actually stick to it every single time, these kids would be less inclined to run around terrorizing single adults into sterility.

    My daughter, who’s six now, knows that if she behaved like that little boy with the ambulance there would be no ice cream, we would instantly go back into the car and go home. No one wants to hear that, least of all me! I can pretty much take her anywhere now because she knows the consequences of her actions.

    Its these types of parents that drove me from my original career goal of teaching. Its not entirely the fault of these children but atrocious parenting and it is SO nice to see other people doing the pointing out for a change. There really needs to be a parenting class offered for free by the government to help these poor souls… eesh. on second thought… that could be a very, very bad idea.

  14. Steph Said,

    The guy in the ‘vette you described reminds me of a car driving around San Diego.
    It’s sparkly, purple, raised (WITH HYDRAULICS), and has white, sparkly cursive letters spelling “STATUTORY GRAPE” above the bumper.

    … fail.

  15. sandra Said,

    You just popped into my head for some reason–I know, this is weird since I don’t actually ‘know’ you. Why hadn’t I read any of your posts since last year? I LOVE your writing!

    This post had me laughing so hard. I read it to my brother (he’s blind) and he just said, ‘wow, sounds so much like you when the neighbor kids are out!’

    hahaha!

  16. Adagio Said,

    I had a 12 year old in at noon today asking for her scripts. 12. years. old. no parent in sight. and she was probably one of the best customers of the day

    But as far as other children go, I could go on and on and on about children in the pharmacy…

  17. denise Said,

    hello? where are you? we miis you!!!!!!!!!!

  18. sarah Said,

    I just found your site and have been reading your posts from the top down. You are very entertaining, but this post just tops them all! hilarious! I’m only 19 and not even close to thinking about a family, but I get just as annoyed as you do at shrilly children and parents who don’t watch them.

  19. Leslie Said,

    Wow it’s like you were in my head. I found out several years ago I won’t be having kids and I agree I am perfectly fine with that. I am by far not a child hater but when parents refuse to discipline them there is a time when it is enough. Oy!

    Found your site through Stumble, hope you will post more I am enjoying reading!

  20. Jon Said,

    I know exactly how you feel. I am from utah where everyone has at least 10 kids. My sister in laws kids have no respect for her and I like to go over to their house and just watch her try and discipline them…its a downright giggle. Her kids have no respect for anyone and yell and scream and fight just so they can be annoying. But they behave at my house because I have perfected the “Gibbs Slap”

  21. The Dude Said,

    I’m the dude man! you can call dude or duder or elduderino or his dudeness.

  22. Lee Said,

    Thank God. I thought I was the only one that felt like this. If I’d acted like some brats do these days, I’d have grown up toothless, if I grew up at all. Folks not only spare the rod, they spare manners and any sort of discipline, many times. Argh!

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