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The mimosa. A delicious blend of fruit & alcohol that transforms even the most mediocre of brunches into an experience nothing short of magical. But alas, there are times where maybe perhaps a little bit of drinking might not be in the cards. Perhaps your hangover dictates brunch, but the thought of another drink, well, let’s just say you don’t want to think about another drink.

The solution is simple: Faux Mimosa. In addition to the dilemma above, it can be applied to a number of other problems as well. Perhaps you have that teetotaler friend, or worse, a decidedly non-teetotaler friend who gets whiny and annoying. Maybe you have a sister or niece *just* shy of 19 and you want to be the cool older sister (or cool aunt) without all the baggage of being arrested for serving alcohol to someone underage. How cool would you be to have her pals over, as you bemusedly observe the pitch and slurredness of their gossip rise over the course of the evening, so sure they are that this is the real deal. I would warn that you might end up providing crash space.

So imagine my delight in finding this recipe:

Faux mimosa.

Side note: while the Fish House Punch looks like it might be pretty good, you’d think they could come up with a better title. Really. Or just run with it and garnish with fish heads.

This gem comes to us via that 1977 classic Sharing Our Best, a collection gathered by the Devil Worshipping Green Mountain Deputies Association of Vermont. The Devil Worshipping part isn’t explicitly addressed, except for THAT HUGE UPSIDE-DOWN PENTACLE ON THE COVER, which couldn’t possibly be a gross oversight.

Faux mimosa.

We begin our Champagne Mocktail odyssey.

Buy local . . . soda.

I like to buy local whenever possible. Turns out Polar makes its soda, like, 10 miles that way, so it’s extra fresh and better retains its vitamin content. That’s how that works, right?

I decided to squeeze my own orange and grapefruit juice, since I really don’t drink these things anyway and didn’t want to surrender the fridge space. These are also locally-grown oranges and grapefruit. I just love going orange-picking, they have this great farm right in Westborough.

Citrus. Decidedly not local.

I’m just kidding. Citrus plants don’t grow in New England.

In an awkward proportion, to get a cup each of orange and grapefruit juice, it took 3 oranges and 1.5 grapefruit. I think this probably changes depending on season, specific varietal and origin of your oranges, though the grapefruit proportion seems as though it would be a little more reliable. As a frame of reference, 1 orange = 1/3 c juice and 1 grapefruit = 2/3 c juice.

The remains.

The easiest way to get juice out of citrus is with a citrus reamer. They’re cheap, extremely effective, and feel like way less of a pain in the ass than one of those little cup things. Also, you can strain the juice as you make it, which is convenient. Just poke it in your fruit there, mess up the insides, then let the juice drip into the sieve, and presumably the bowl underneath. Last step is to squeeze the orange/grapefruit around the reamer and rotate.

How to ream out an orange.

Get out your finest $5 Ikea pitcher.

I actually do love this thing.

And pour your non-alcoholic champagne.

Ginger ale.

Faux mimosa.

Faux mimosa.

Looks like a nice witbier, eh?

Faux mimosa.

Pour into your completely inappropriately-shaped glass.

But mimosas are for girls. Girls with names like Kelli and Brittany. Let’s girl this up a bit, shall we?

A 3 on the girly scale.

Well, that’s nice, but Kelli and Brittany would kinda feel like you aren’t trying. Put some fruit in there, bitches love that shit.

On the girl scale, perhaps a 6

Okay, we’re getting close. Let’s just go all out.

Kelli and Brittany would totally drink this.

Drink on, ladies, drink on.

This was a bit sweet for my tastes, so I recommend excluding the extra sugar—it just felt so sticky sweet, it was much more refreshing after I diluted a bit with seltzer water. I also think there’s a little room for experimentation here down the seltzer water path, it makes for a dryer-tasting “champagne.” This inordinate sweetness is why you’ll notice I went from making Mock Champagne to Mocktail Mimosa. It just describes it better.

Faux Mimosa
from Sharing Our Best by the Green Mountain Deputies Association (1977)

Feel free to make this low-sugar or sugar-laden according to your preference. Serves 8.

1 liter ginger ale
1 c grapefruit juice (1.5 grapefruit if fresh-squeezing)
1 c orange juice (3 oranges if fresh-squeezing)
1 c water

Mix. Chill. Text Kelli and Brittany and see if they’re doing anything.

nutrition summary (1 serving with diet ginger ale): 23 calories, no fat, no fiber; about .5 weight watchers points

  1. Michelle Said,

    I have to say that I almost ended up with brownies on my screen a few times because I randomly started laughing.

    You crack me up.

    Hmm…I might need to actually try ginger ale one of these days…

  2. Erin @ One Particular Kitchen Said,

    Yeah, I’m pretty sure this is brilliant. This just SCREAMS baby shower, too. Mama to be could partake at her own shower? Lovin’ that.

  3. the modern serf Said,

    The original title for the booklet was “sharing our Beast.”

    Also, the fish house punch is named after the Philadelphia Fish House and was consumed by our founding fathers. It appears in the very first cocktail manual, Jerry Thomas’ Bar-Tender’s Guide where it was already an old drink. Libation and facial hair enthusiast David Wondrich describes it thus:
    The greatest of all American Punches, it deserves to be protected by law, taught in schools, and made a mandatory part of every Fourth of July celebration, with dilute portions given to those not yet of legal age, so that they may be accustomed to the taste.

    His adapted recipe:
    16 oz lemon juice
    1 lb demerara sugar
    3 oz peach brandy
    27 oz cognac
    18 oz rum
    3 qt water
    serves 12-15.

    adapted into a strong cocktail, that would be about 1 oz lemon juice, 1 oz demerara syrup, dash peach brandy, 1.5 oz cognac, 1 oz rum, shake well with ice.

  4. Mangerati Said,

    Looks very nice, the picture at the end is tempting.

    Check my recipe (which I think is very similar, minus the pictures), the virgin mimosa and let me know what you think.

  5. Em Said,

    As someone from the Green Mountain State I have to say I think I’ve been hanging with the wrong peeps. I need to find the Deputies.

  6. Em Said,

    Update, found them! Here they in Vermont: And here’s the main Order of the Eastern Star site: Nerd that I am, I love that there’s an OES clip art page on the main site.

    Damn, I should really get back to work now.

  7. Dorothy Said,

    This is fabulous! And you are a hilarious writer 🙂

  8. wasabi prime Said,

    I say goddamn, girl, you crack me up. The devil worshipping could probably have something to do with the fact that it’s fake booze. Faux-mosas, more like it. But the pictures look lovely, and I totally agree, when it comes to tarting up a drink with extra flair, bitches do indeed love that shit. Get some of those little plastic monkeys or mermaids you hang off the side, and any beverage is good to go.

  9. stephchows Said,

    Favorite part of the whole post

    “Put some fruit in there, bitches love that shit.”

    100% awesome!

  10. gigi Said,

    Kelli and Brittany are like busy but I am so there. Love your blog!

  11. veggiebelly Said,

    This sounds like an amazing, refreshing drink, ive bookmarked to try! Love your pictures!

  12. Nick Said,

    That cookbook is frightening.

    I love that the Fish House Punch requires 6 FIFTHS of very strong liquor.

    I’m totally making that this weekend.

  13. Lisa YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN Said,

    ah hahahahahaha. bitches love that shit. =) yup. anyway, they make mimosas in montana just gigantic, which is how you should be if your shelling out $6 for a flute full of drink that costs maybe a dollar.

    Anyway this is cool, my little sister would love this.


  14. Tony Said,

    “Put some fruit in there, bitches love that shit” is going on my facebook. Hilarious. That sounds like something a frat guy would say (and i know – i’m in a fraternity!)

  15. Around the Internet Kitchen: Fantasy Edition | Macheesmo Said,

    […] Faux Mimosa – I’m not so sure that I like the idea of a mimosa without booze.  But that doesn’t really matter.  This is the funniest food post I’ve read in weeks. (@ omnomicon) […]

  16. Rachel Said,

    This is too funny — I think I’ll serve this at my next party for Kelli and Brittany. I’d love to see similar posts in the future.

  17. Heidi Said,

    Valencias are great for juicing

  18. janni Said,

    The comments are almost as good as the faux mimosa. Made my day, and I haven’t even started in on the FH punch yet!

  19. LadyGlutter Said,

    Oh, thanks for making me laugh this morning. I should be reading your blog more often. And bonus, my kids will dig this. I always just give them ginger ale on special occasions, but this is so much more fancy!

  20. Stephanie Said,

    FYI – not an upside pentagram but the five-pointed star of bethlehem, which is the emblem on the Order of the Eastern Star. Those ladies write lots of cookbooks!

  21. 23 again « Queen of Quirky Said,

    […] for me, Omnomicon had just written about such a drink. This could not have been any easier, but let me tell you – […]

  22. Sampler: what’s new on the web in food | The Sage of Discovery Said,

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  23. nina Said,

    I am so happy that you came to visit and thus bringing me to this delightful sight of yours. I love the vibrant pictures…..My butternut soup is a winner everytime I serve it…it is the curry powder and the apple……it makes a diffs!!! Please pop in again!!!

  24. Stephanie Said,

    Missing your regular posts!!!

  25. Elissa Said,

    Come back soon

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